We don't ask for much.

Dear Son,

Today we had a big and unnecessary row and you left the house, slamming the door behind you.   You were clearly angry.  Angry that you hadn’t had your way, angry that we had put boundaries in your way, and held them and you didn’t like it.

You pushed and pushed and pushed until eventually, your usually very mild-mannered father lost his temper (3rd time in 18 years).

When we are shouting at each other we were no longer hearing each other.

You seem to think that your way is the right way and OK for everyone around you.  You stood there in your full 16 years letting us know that this was true and that we were wrong.

We were not wrong.  No school allows Coke to be bought in – no fizzy drinks at all.

All schools have start and finish times.

All parents expect their kids to respect them and do as they ask.  Parents do not expect to be shouted and sworn at by their newly 16 year old.

For me, it started on Saturday when you refused to get me a drink even though you were going to the drinks fountain.  ANYONE else would have got the drink.  But not you.

For you dad, it was when you were rude to me.

I have decided to ‘ground’ you for the week and have removed all electronics and dropped your screen time. You won’t like this.  I am showing you that I too can stand up to you and say ‘no’, just like you did to us.

These are the terms of you coming off your ‘grounding’ next Tuesday morning.

1.  You will tidy your room, desk etc. 

a.        You room is disgusting. We ask you not to eat in there, but you do.  There is food stuff all over your desk.

2.        You will bring down your towels each day

a.        You produce a huge amount of laundry and leave us all short when you use a fresh towel each day and leave it on your floor.

3.        You will organise your room

a.        This has not been done since we’ve moved in.  In our attempts to get you to sort it has been us doing it for you.  Your turn.

4.        You will get to school on time for catch up

a.        Your teachers, who have been teaching for some time think you cannot get the grades you want and need. 

b.        It’s a school rule to attend on time

5.        You will do homework and revision each evening.

a.        School sets homework for you to do it.  Revision is to help you do the best you can in your GCSE’s – if you don’t care, fine, but maybe just do the work in case you care come September

6.        You will do your own dishes

a.        You expect these to be done for you – and I expect you to listen and do as asked, including getting a drink.

7.        You will do your own laundry

a.        See 2(a) above.  You expect this to be done for you.  As I expect you to be helpful because you’ve been asked.  As you don’t see why, here’s some help.

8.        You will be polite and thoughtful

a.        Because you ask and we give.  We don’t ask much.

If none of these are met, then the grounding will continue.

It fills me with sadness that I am sure every parent must go through when their child exerts their power.  The trick is how we respond to it and clearly today we got it wrong. Tempers flared and we responded in ways our parents would have responded to us when we were young.  I could her myself as a teenager, ‘mouthing off’, only I didn’t decide to hit my son.   Instead, I wielded a different sort of power – control over the internet and the electronics.

As parents we are squished beneath hopes, fears and expectations for the person we are raising.  We were in their shoes once and so we might respond as our parents did to us, not all of our parents got it right.

However, as my son has grown he as often asked ‘why’ to my requests, and to be honest, apart from ‘because I told you to’ or ‘because I want you to’ or ‘because you’re supposed to’ there has been little merit behind my demands.  The demands I make on him are from my own fears and struggles, and how I might look to others around me if my son does not meet the familial, social and cultural expectations.  If he doesn’t get the best grades, go to a good college – there are many out there who might pass judgement both on him, and us as parents.   But my son is not me, and by placing my fears on him I discount his ability to figure it out on his own, I take away the room for him to make mistakes, and I give him a set of fears he didn’t know he had.  By placing my expectations on him, I am demanding him to be someone he is not and might not want to be and I am telling him he is ‘wrong’.  And who says I am right?

Our children go through childhood adapting, becoming the person they think they are supposed to be, as we are often quick to let them know when we don’t approve.  We ourselves, have gone through life trying to be the person our parents want us to be, (or rejecting it and doing it anyway) and often losing all sense of ourselves what is right for us along the way.  I don’t wish that on my children. 

It is hard as a parent to let your kids fail, struggle, get hurt but in each challenge that comes their way there is a lesson – there is growth in discomfort. 

It’s hard knowing child development psychology, attachment theory, relational theory when your child no longer agrees.  It is hard letting go of being the parent you were taught to be and accepting the young adult in front of you as the person he thinks he is with his own set of ideals, plans, desires.  It is hard to trust, that like most of us, he really will figure it out as he gets older.  It’s hard to let go. But, like I say, there is growth in discomfort and this is ours.